Phil was indignant. “Come on, Marie. You’re being absolutely RIDICULOUS!! Why can’t a person have a friend at the office without his wife making such a big deal about it? There’s nothing improper going on between Randi and me.”

Marie fought hard to contain her uneasiness. She knew her husband well enough to know that his protests were way too forced.

In Marie’s estimation, Phil had been spending way too much time with Randi, another partner at Phil’s firm. Randi’s marriage had broken up a year ago and Marie knew Randi had been confiding in Phil about her legal agreement and finances.

Marie couldn’t shake her trepidation about the upcoming three day partners’ meeting in Orlando. No spouses were going. And, despite Phil’s protest, Marie got the sense he wasn’t telling her the full story about the closeness of his friendship with Randi.

So, is it possible for men and women to have strictly platonic relationships with members of the opposite sex?

This topic often brings out vociferous emotions—and very polarized answers. We know that platonic relationships can potentially be a rewarding source of good times, camaraderie, emotional support and an opportunity for a different perspective on so many topics. And, anecdotally, countless people will attest that they’ve been able to maintain a deeply rewarding friendship with a member of the opposite sex (if heterosexual) or same sex (if homosexual), without romantic feelings complicating the relationship.

In today’s world where men and women not only work side by side in the workplace, but interface daily at their clubs, sporting events and organizations—there are countless opportunities to mingle and form connections. And, of course, social media has given all generations ample opportunity to correspond and stay connected via Facebook and Instagram, thus potentially intensifying the closeness of the ties.

Many friendships between the sexes formed early on—throughout one’s schooling and initial jobs—prior to the individuals ultimately settling into committed relationships. It’s not uncommon for today’s younger generation to have been part of a larger social group consisting of both sexes, and to nurture these ties for years. These young people may be more comfortable navigating these bonds than the older folks, who have probably been socialized with more traditional expectations and the beliefs that it wouldn’t be possible (or appropriate) for individuals to maintain opposite sex friendships.

However, skeptics may argue that at least one member of the friendship will usually have designs on transitioning the relationship to a romantic bond. The one with the deeper feelings may be reluctant to express these feelings, worrying they could face rejection or may risk alienating the other person. What can also happen is that one party can become uncomfortable because he/she suspects that the other has deeper feelings, when this is not actually the case.

In all of these instances there may be subtle or not-so-subtle undercurrents of sexual tension, that can eventually cause misunderstandings or hurt feelings. There are also occasions where the friendship has been strictly platonic, but observers have assumed there is an inappropriate intensity. So, unwittingly, the parties may have invited unwarranted speculation and innuendo, potentially causing damage to their reputations, family lives and/or career paths.

Oftentimes, when our loyalties have transitioned to a spouse and children, we’ll be asked to put a boundary around the amount of attention and time we pay to our friendships. Our significant others may have strong reactions (or skepticism) when we seek to maintain these ties.

In the fictionalized vignette above, “Marie” felt very threatened by her husband’s close friendship with his colleague, worrying that in close proximity, the platonic feelings Phil had for Randi could heat up, placing their marriage in peril.

Although Phil may be strongly committed to his marriage, and his intentions with Randi may be strictly above board, we’re all aware that even the strongest resolve may succumb to temptation.

So, yes, there are important steps we can take to maintain the boundary that will keep a friendship strictly platonic.

Many people find it valuable to spell out from the beginning that this is a platonic relationship and that they have loyalties to a committed partner (if they have one.) Conveying this message does not have to be hurtful: We can pay close attention to the messages we send—verbally and non-verbally. We can watch our body language and make sure our behavior is not flirtatious or misleading, (reining in touchy-feely gestures.) We can meet within a group, rather than meeting alone in places that invite romance. We should be careful not to criticize our significant other, or imply that the friend fills a “special role” that can undermine our primary relationship.

We should probably regularly assess in our heads whether or not the friendship is beginning to assume too much importance in a way that threatens our primary relationship. If we've begun to keep secrets from our significant other or would not be comfortable including the significant other in our socializing, then the relationship may have crossed a worrisome line.

Distinguishing between romantic, sexual and friendly feelings, however, can be exceedingly difficult. If we get the sense that our friend is beginning to feel more strongly about the relationship (or our feelings are beginning to intensify), it may be helpful to clear the air and re-clarify the direction of the friendship. Sensitivity, maturity and open communication may be called upon. If we ultimately discover that the feelings are not reciprocated and the friendship is too painful for one of the parties, it may be fairest to face the loss and protect that person’s feelings.

So, yes, it is possible to have deep, loyal friendships with members of the opposite sex—and those who do will consider themselves fortunate indeed. But, as we know, over time, there may be a lot of complicated feelings involved. In a very personal way, each of us are well-served to clarify our values and priorities and to evaluate where our friendships fit in. While we may “selfishly” want it all, we are sometimes faced with difficult choices to preserve the integrity of our family life. And, at times, we may be placed in the unpleasant position of making tough choices about the future viability of maintaining our friendships.


Linda Lipshutz, M.S., LCSW is a psychotherapist serving individuals, couples and families. A Palm Beach Gardens resident, she holds degrees from Cornell and Columbia and trained at the Ackerman Institute for Family Therapy in Manhattan. She can be reached in her Gardens office at 561-630-2827, online at www.palmbeachfamilytherapy.com, or on Twitter @LindaLipshutz.